Saturday, July 30, 2011

Your Woman

Recently I've picked up listening to the song "Your Woman" by White Town. It's fitting for this time in my life. Perhaps it's written from a different perspective but I can completely relate to the idea of not being able to be someone you're not for someone you love.

I love the artists ideas. "[...] I don’t actually believe that humans are bi, hetero *or* homosexual. We’re just sexual." (White Town)

I've always believed that love is a feeling that arises when you meet the right person regardless of gender. Chemistry definitely plays a part, but I firmly believe that love is genderless.

Now excuse me while I play this song on repeat for a few hours!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

You Can't Fix It With a Band-Aid

The other day I hurt myself really badly. Lying in bed this morning I couldn't breathe, my heart was heavy and it continued to pulsate against my chest so that every beat hurt my insides. Tears sprung up in my eyes and suddenly I thought...I'm going to die.

I didn't get cut or bruised and I didn't break any bones. It wasn't a heart attack or a panic attack or any kind of medical condition that could be fixed with a trip to the hospital. This kind of hurt can't be fixed up with a Band-Aid or a cast.

Sitting at my desk now and thinking upon it, I've realized the pain isn't going away. My heart feels heavy and I can feel every sluggish beat against my chest. Sometimes I forget to breathe. Today I haven't had anything to drink and only when my stomach was in severe pain did I even remember I should have eaten.

I've felt this before in my life, several times. This is a pain I am familiar with. At this point, we are close friends. I understand this pain, and it comes to visit me when I am at the lowest points in my life.

Hello Pain, I can't say I've missed you but it's nice to have a companion. To which Pain replies with a long bout of heavy silence.

This is heartbreak. I have felt this several times in my life, and I understand the terminology completely. Only when you have been in severe emotional pain can you understand what it means to have a heavy heart. It literally feels like my heart is made of lead, suffocating me from the inside out.

Last night I said something, two very simple words. It was an insult, and yet it was much more than that. It was a slap in the face. I had just heard something that made my insides turn icy cold as if all the blood had been drained out of me and spilled onto the floor. Strangled and trapped, I reacted how any human being does. I lashed out. Not physically, but emotionally. And isn't that far more powerful a blow than physical violence?

It broke my heart to do so but I am a strong, independent and beautiful woman and I deserve the very best. I know that I deserve respect, and love and devotion and faithfulness.

Perhaps in my past when I was younger and had very little self confidence, I would have been happy just to have been spoken to by the opposite sex. I would do anything for attention, degrading myself in the process. I thought I was worthless, a piece of trash that would be lucky if it received any attention at all. However, after several years of dating, several hookups and breakups I have become a more knowledgeable person. I have become stronger, and I know what I deserve now.

If anyone reads this, I would like to let you know that heartbreak isn't the end. Every bit of emotional pain you suffer through makes you stronger. Perhaps it leaves you scars, but you must treat those as battle scars and trophies. Never ever let anyone tell you that you are worthless. I know that eventually my pain will heal and I will be a stronger woman because of it.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Step Into My World

I would like to christen this my very first post in my new blog. Welcome to the chronicles of my journey through life to become a writer. I have recently changed this blog from a drab and dreary diary that was never used to a place where I can share with the world what kinds of ideas are constantly haunting my mind.

Ideas are like specters, they plague my mind until I can release them onto paper and show to the world that they have a life of their own. We writers are magicians of the written word as well as Mediums of the countless ghosts of ideas that are simply longing to be a part of our world. It is a difficult job, to say the least. I am often bombarded by dreams of these ideas and creations and as I wake I am uneasy until I can get them down onto paper. Perhaps this blog is a place for me to keep all of those ideas and concepts as well as a way to create a name for myself in the professional world.

You may be asking yourself, why should I become a writer? What makes me so special? Perhaps nothing at all. And then again, perhaps everything. I hope you can decide that for yourself over time. I am simply acting upon my desire to reach out to the minds and hearts of other people. If I can find just one person to inspire, I will have fulfilled my dream. In that one person, I have unleashed an entirely new world of possibilities.

All I am asking of you, should you read this, is to open your mind. Step into the labyrinth of my world and watch your step...for you never know what possibilities may await you.