Wednesday, July 27, 2011

You Can't Fix It With a Band-Aid

The other day I hurt myself really badly. Lying in bed this morning I couldn't breathe, my heart was heavy and it continued to pulsate against my chest so that every beat hurt my insides. Tears sprung up in my eyes and suddenly I thought...I'm going to die.

I didn't get cut or bruised and I didn't break any bones. It wasn't a heart attack or a panic attack or any kind of medical condition that could be fixed with a trip to the hospital. This kind of hurt can't be fixed up with a Band-Aid or a cast.

Sitting at my desk now and thinking upon it, I've realized the pain isn't going away. My heart feels heavy and I can feel every sluggish beat against my chest. Sometimes I forget to breathe. Today I haven't had anything to drink and only when my stomach was in severe pain did I even remember I should have eaten.

I've felt this before in my life, several times. This is a pain I am familiar with. At this point, we are close friends. I understand this pain, and it comes to visit me when I am at the lowest points in my life.

Hello Pain, I can't say I've missed you but it's nice to have a companion. To which Pain replies with a long bout of heavy silence.

This is heartbreak. I have felt this several times in my life, and I understand the terminology completely. Only when you have been in severe emotional pain can you understand what it means to have a heavy heart. It literally feels like my heart is made of lead, suffocating me from the inside out.

Last night I said something, two very simple words. It was an insult, and yet it was much more than that. It was a slap in the face. I had just heard something that made my insides turn icy cold as if all the blood had been drained out of me and spilled onto the floor. Strangled and trapped, I reacted how any human being does. I lashed out. Not physically, but emotionally. And isn't that far more powerful a blow than physical violence?

It broke my heart to do so but I am a strong, independent and beautiful woman and I deserve the very best. I know that I deserve respect, and love and devotion and faithfulness.

Perhaps in my past when I was younger and had very little self confidence, I would have been happy just to have been spoken to by the opposite sex. I would do anything for attention, degrading myself in the process. I thought I was worthless, a piece of trash that would be lucky if it received any attention at all. However, after several years of dating, several hookups and breakups I have become a more knowledgeable person. I have become stronger, and I know what I deserve now.

If anyone reads this, I would like to let you know that heartbreak isn't the end. Every bit of emotional pain you suffer through makes you stronger. Perhaps it leaves you scars, but you must treat those as battle scars and trophies. Never ever let anyone tell you that you are worthless. I know that eventually my pain will heal and I will be a stronger woman because of it.

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